This post has probably been on my drive for 3 months under another name. I never quite pieced it together, or had the right words, but in this moment I realized a lot about myself.
Before everyone gets excited and suspects my sexual identity to be changing- sorry! Not the story you were expecting. I’m coming out as myself, and anti-climactically, it’s not sexual.
For about a year now, the identity of “me” was constantly changing, my career, friends, social life, hell, even my living situations were almost always changing. I can’t tell you how many nights I cried from being scared, anxious, or alone. I clamored for comfort from others, from things, and even alcohol sometimes. Overtime, and one life changing even a few months ago, I thought I was healed and brand new. My then boyfriend and I’d patched things up, my scores and graduate school applications fell together, and I even found some last minute friends before graduation. I thought everything was where it was and where it was supposed to be. I was excited
A particular night sticks out to me, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget this moment. My then boyfriend was playing Dark Souls, while I tinkered on my computer talking. My best friend and I were bickering and he said to me, ” forgive her,….she’s all you got,.. except me,… and you might lose me one day”. He shoved a handful of chips in his mouth, and kept clicking away. I doubt he even remembers this moment, but to me, it mattered.
It mattered because when the rubber hit the road, what he said was true. At first I became paranoid thinking he alluded to a breakup, but honestly he was being realistic. You don’t know what the next second holds, and as much as you want to hang on for dear life sometimes people need space and time to grow.
Little did I know, it was kinda foreshadowing. Fast forward a month or so to last week. I’ve always talked about independence and deep down I really wanted it, but never took the steps. Of course I had a savings, but never did I put my foot down and have conversations about my freedom with my parents, even though life, and literally everyone pushed me to. I never really jumped out and did my own thing, at least not with a leash or fear hanging over me.
Last week I was preparing for a vacation, in the middle of a conference, and my life fell apart. A childhood friend of mine passed away as well as a family friend. My boyfriend and I were having troubles and not talking about it, or what was going on, and nor did I really want to talk about it with anyone else.We smiled with niceties but knew what was looming and all of it was at the fault of not communicating, but alas. Being the one to spear head everything, I actually didn’t say a word of what I felt, and even if I got the courage to talk, I don’t know what I would’ve said.
Days moved on a vacation came. The perfect instagram backdrops, fun at my finger tips, and the means for whatever I wanted. The second night of my vacation I sat on my bed with my hotel room all to myself, shopping bags in front of me. I knew what I wanted. I had things , but that I wanted, what I really wanted, were experiences. I wanted my boyfriend with me, but not enough nerve to call him, I wanted to see the city at night for myself, but didn’t have the nerve to go. Days later I sat on the train home, and I realize I had fun, but none of what I really wanted, and as I sat there, I thought about what I wanted and said why not?
From the train station I literally put my bags into my car and just drove. I didn’t tell anyone anything other than that I was okay and I took off. Gutlessness eventually took over, right about the time I got to Atlanta. I met a close friend and we talked and they asked me why I was there and what I was looking for. I told him about school, and the boyfriend, and the friends, and the hard time, and even the secrets I’d hid from everyone but myself. He nodded and was quiet for a very long time before he told me, ” you can’t change people, you have to change, if you’ve loved them all you can, supported them all you can, if you’ve tried all you can, the rest is up to them.”
It was a very weird thing, almost as if saying you were going to water a plant, but not prune it. As someone who suffers from anxiety I find myself scheduling, managing, and perfecting everyone, even myself. I’d told myself over and over to let go, and I always did but never truly. I realized I was alone, and that being alone, even if for just a little while, was an ok thing.
After 5 days of trotting across states, I’d realized that I have to accept life as it comes. Love, laugh, give, forgive, and forget. When I left I left as myself, I left as true me, and I realize it didn’t matter what I did, as long as I did my best. I can wait and expect a positive reaction for all of my good deeds, nor can I expect brimstone for the bad ones. If you loved that persona s hard as you can and they still leave, its ok. Becuase you tried your best, the same with jobs, school, and everything in between.
So today I wanted to come out as me. As myself, and yeah there’s still gonna be anxiety, I have to find peace and love within myself, and to be my true self, and not a watered down version, Theres nothing embarrassing about loving someone or wanting someone to know you care. It’s human. So smile, dance, cry, get you hair wet and take care of the frizz in the morning. Be you, and don’t care what people think and the rest will fall into place.